Breaking bad habits.

I'm so utterly and completely exhausted by this whole situation. I really wish I could just crawl into peoples' heads and figure out what the hell they're thinking, why they do the things they do, what they are really all about. I'm sick of doing what's right. I just want to give up and do what's easy. Even if what's easy will hurt me. Because it's much easier to sink into the current than to fight it, especially if it seems likely that the outcome will be the same regardless. It's just so much easier to just let it happen.

I honestly can't even describe what it is about the whole thing, except that maybe I was so completely manipulated that it just screwed me up more than it should have. The self-esteem issue plays into it a lot as well. That's probably the biggest part of the problem. I let this stuff happen to me because for a moment, it makes me feel better. Just for that moment. And then I tend to wind up feeling worse than before. And therein lies my dilemma; my choices are to feel worthless now and empowered later, or to feel wanted and good now and worthless later.

The sick thing is, I know that I'll never have what I want here. I know things will never be the same, we can never go back. It's fucked forever and there's nothing I can do about it. I know that. But here I am trying anyway. And it's an utter waste of my time and energy.

Things with B. could be so good if I would just let them. But I'm not. I'm too afraid of being screwed with again, of being played, of being taken advantage of and used as an ego boost. How sad is that? I've done what I never wanted to do; I've let my past affect my present and I've grown to regret not just one event, but an entire relationship. I never wanted to regret anything. I want to trust him, but I can't. Maybe it's better this way. I mean, I do know how to find the worst guys for me. Probably, B. is just another one. Who knows.

I can't quite seem to get into myself today the way that I usually do. It's weird. I'm too agitated to sink into that trance I get when I write. And on a rare occasion, this isn't helping.