I kiss you and I know

It kills me a little bit. It scares me a lot. Because the fact is, I've fallen with reckless abandon. The shields I used to put up to protect myself are gone. I've let them fall. I'm trusting him and it scares the hell out of me.

Everything just fits. I know it sounds corny but that's how it is. And I know I'm not usually the mushy "everything is so perfect" type, I usually hate that type, but what else can I say? I haven't felt this way in years, years, and it's thrilling.

And what's more, that insecurity that I usually have in relationships is gone. I don't sit there and second-guess and overanalyze every tiny detail. I'm comfortable. I'm secure. And that carries over to the other aspects of my life as well. Yes, money is incredibly tight--if I didn't work in food services I'd probably starve to death. Yes, my job is stressful--I've burst into tears in the back office more times this month than the last year and a half combined. Yes, I have more drama than the high school cheerleading squad. But despite all of that, I'm holding my own. I'm confident.

Security is a wonderful thing.

I've got your runaway smile in my piggybank, baby

Do you ever feel like you could just take over the world? Not in a weird, evil plan way, but in a simple, I-can-do-anything way. Like anything is possible.

I don't know what it is that made me go from wanting to jump off a bridge to feeling like everything is okay, in a time span of about two days. But whatever it is, I like it.

I think it's just about taking the time to appreciate the little things. Like sititng on the porch with a cigarette and a coffee and someone you really care about. Like warm weather and lazy mornings. Maybe life isn't about the spectacular, not really. Maybe it's the little, everyday things that make you smile.

I don't post enough anymore.

So last night, I couldn't sleep again. Between the stress from work and school, it just was not going to happen. And I got to thinking (which only exacerbated the problem, but what are you going to do?) about intimacy. I kept thinking about this habit I have of talking to people without looking straight at them. It is very rare that I make direct eye contact with anyone, and I can't help but wonder if everybody is this way, or if it's just another manifestation of my intense fear of commitment/closeness/being hurt (as a result of the first two). It's weird, because it's almost intentional. Fixing my gaze on a person's ear, or on some fascinating, imagined event in the distance. Does everyone do this? Am I subconciously trying to be that emotionally detached?

I've always been told that I overanalyze everything, and it's absolutely true. I can't help it. I get stuck in my head and I can't get out of it.

The thing is, it is getting to be about that time again. It's been...what, three weeks? Four? And I'm starting to feel that old familiar fidget. I can't recall a single instance where I didn't feel that anxiety, that restlessness. And to be honest, I can really only remember one time where I was fully able to overcome it. Am I just being silly? Immature?

Summer really can't come fast enough for me.

But I very seldom follow it.

Those of you who know me, know that I am not a religious person. I was raised Catholic, but I disagree with much of what the church teaches. I don't care to get into a great debate at the moment (although conflicting opionions are always welcome, so long as they are intelligent and supported), but I would like to say a few things.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe in destiny or fate or soulmates (in the traditional sense, at least, but that's a whole other blog in itself), or any of those idealistic fantasies, but I do believe that life is not random. There have been too many occurences in my life that were perfectly coordinated for life to be one huge coincidence. I believe that things have a way of working themselves out regardless of circumstances or human error. The only way to truly fuck up your life is to not do anything about it. Make decisions. Even if they're the wrong ones, something good will eventually come of it. It is in our indecision that we stagnate and fail.

I don't think that there's a plan for each of us in the form of an unchangeable destiny; I see it as more of a general outline that we inevitably follow as a result of our own characters and personalities. And there is some...thing that is gently guiding it all. I dislike the term "God" because I feel that it (like so many other concepts) has been corrupted by mankind. Humans have taken ideas that are supposed to be pure, ideas like God and love, and turned them into something dark and twisted, things to be feared. I believe in karma, and that good things happen to good people, either in this world or the next. I don't think that I--or anyone else, for that matter--will suffer for eternity because we discovered sex before we were married.

I can't even honestly say that I think someone like Hitler will spend eternity suffering for what he did. Yes, it was terrible. But mankind cannot make up his mind on how many gods there are, or what they are like, or if they even exist. How are we to determine how a deity will judge us if we cannot even decide whether it is even there? Who are we to judge in its place?

Note: This entire thing went in a completely different
direction than I intended, but that's okay. I had a long,
involved conversation with my sister just now and I
meant to write about it. But I liked the way this turned
out so I decided to keep it. Hence the discontinuity
between the title and the subject matter. Forgive my
inability to think of a topic and stick with it.