I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. Like I might be able to figure out some major reasons behind my behaviors in the next week or two. God knows I'll be able to sit and think about it; a week from today I'l be in Athens, starting my real "vacation" (six days without work, class, or responsibility). I'll have plenty of free time to contemplate the intricacies and the enigma of Emma amidst the haze of smoke and cheap alcohol.
In the meantime, I'm writing down all the half-formulated explanations in a notebook. I feel like maybe I can compile them all together and make a sort of file, with organized sections and cross-references. That's the OCD part taking effect.
If my writing seems somewhat haphazard tonight, forgive me. I slept about three hours last night, worked a nine and a half hour shift, relived my childhood in a bar/arcade, and got slightly drunk. It is now almost four in the morning...and I have to be awake in another three to four hours. The way I figure it, between 8:00 Friday morning and 11:30 Sunday night, I will have slept only about six or seven hours, but worked twenty-nine hours. Somehow, that just doesn't quite seem right to me. Oh, well. Que sera, sera, no? After all...you only live once.
12.23.2007
12.13.2007
Yet another parallel between my personality and classic literature
"'I am careful.'
'No, you're not.'
'Well, other people are,' she said lightly.
'What's that got to do with it?'
'They'll keep out of my way,' she insisted. 'It takes two to make an accident.'
'Suppose you meet somebody just as careless as yourself.'
'I hope I never will,' she answered. 'I hate careless people.'"
-From The Great Gatsby
I am Fitzgerald's Jordan Baker, in this sense at least. I am not careless, per se, but I am incredibly whimsical, capricious, and spontaneous. And all those 'accidents' and blunders in my past? The result of my meeting people as erratic and mercurial as myself. The strange thing is, I don't actually hate that type; I rank spontaneity among the most important qualities I look for in relationships, be they romantic or platonic. I think that any relationship is just too boring otherwise.
Maybe it would be duller to look for a bit of stability or practicality...but maybe it would also be safer. I just can't help but wonder if it has to be an ultimatum, a black-and-white choice between safety and excitement. It just doesn't seem fair. I am quite familiar with the old adage, "Life isn't fair," but I am a firm believer in karma, and I think that life can be absolutely fair if you make it that way.
On an editorial note, I have pretty much given up on the idea of this blog as a detatched résumé -builder. But maybe I can use it to prove that I can display both eloquence and emotion; a feat that I personally consider to be difficult. For me at least, emotion tends to increase the volume of what I would like to say at the same time that it decreases my ability to formally convey it. I am sure that I am not alone in this frustrating phenomenon. At the very least, I can consider this an exercise in my ability to analyze...as though that particular muscle needs exercise.
'No, you're not.'
'Well, other people are,' she said lightly.
'What's that got to do with it?'
'They'll keep out of my way,' she insisted. 'It takes two to make an accident.'
'Suppose you meet somebody just as careless as yourself.'
'I hope I never will,' she answered. 'I hate careless people.'"
-From The Great Gatsby
I am Fitzgerald's Jordan Baker, in this sense at least. I am not careless, per se, but I am incredibly whimsical, capricious, and spontaneous. And all those 'accidents' and blunders in my past? The result of my meeting people as erratic and mercurial as myself. The strange thing is, I don't actually hate that type; I rank spontaneity among the most important qualities I look for in relationships, be they romantic or platonic. I think that any relationship is just too boring otherwise.
Maybe it would be duller to look for a bit of stability or practicality...but maybe it would also be safer. I just can't help but wonder if it has to be an ultimatum, a black-and-white choice between safety and excitement. It just doesn't seem fair. I am quite familiar with the old adage, "Life isn't fair," but I am a firm believer in karma, and I think that life can be absolutely fair if you make it that way.
On an editorial note, I have pretty much given up on the idea of this blog as a detatched résumé -builder. But maybe I can use it to prove that I can display both eloquence and emotion; a feat that I personally consider to be difficult. For me at least, emotion tends to increase the volume of what I would like to say at the same time that it decreases my ability to formally convey it. I am sure that I am not alone in this frustrating phenomenon. At the very least, I can consider this an exercise in my ability to analyze...as though that particular muscle needs exercise.
12.12.2007
Why I Am Not An Atheist
(For those of you who didn't recognize it, the title of the blog is an allusion to Bertrand Russel's "Why I Am Not A Christian". It's interesting, and riddled with fallacies. Go read it if you want a good exercise in countering the most feeble arguments that atheists throw at theists.)
It seems to me that atheism would just be rather depressing. It essentially amounts to the following:
1) You are born
2) A lot of things happen, most of which are irrelevant
3) You die
4) Nothing happens
It's just that the thought of life as one long death-crawl to the decaying oblivion of the grave is so depressing for me. What reason is there to do good in life if there is no life after death? What reason is there to even continue living, since we're all doomed to the same fate eventually anyway? Why not just off yourself now and save the annoyance of being around for another fifty or sixty or seventy years? It's not as though you're going to regret that decision after you've made it; you'll be dead and unconcious and oblivious. There really doesn't even seem to be a point in trying to leave a legacy of any sort; the people who remember it will all eventually die themselves, and your memory with them. It all seems so bleak.
It's just human nature to want to continue in some form after our physical time on Earth is over. Some people want to continue existing as spirits or souls in whatever form of the afterlife in which they prefer to believe. These are the theists, the spiritual people, the religous. Some people want to exist as a memory, a legacy, a physical manifestation of what they once were, leaving behind a world better than the one into which they were born. These people are the conquerors, the inventors, the peacemakers. Some people want to exist in any way possible; they're not particular as to which one, so long as they can blindly and desperately continue to cling to some form of existence.
Personally, it honestly terrifies me to think that my conscious mind will cease to exist after (hopefully) 80 or 90-odd years of living, thinking, experiencing. I want eternity! I want to be able to reflect on all that I did during that near-century of doing! And I want to watch others. I want to watch them make the same mistakes I made, and maybe help them learn from them better than I did. That's what keeps me rooted in the belief of souls and ghosts and even Heaven. That desire to continue existing forever. I just don't understand how anyone could not want that. Of course, there are a lot of things in this world that I don't understand, and I do not mean to say that I have a low level of intellegence; there are just many things that seem nonsensical in general. Starting with myself.
I've been throwing around a few ideas for New Year's Resolutions in my head lately. Typically I follow the traditional route: lose weight, save money, find a boyfriend, get better grades, land that promotion, yada yada yada. Lately, I've been considering a different one. Something alone the lines of just figuring myself out. It seems simple enough, but I know it would require some deep analyses...deeper than I've ever been brave enough to go. But I want to know why I do what I do, about everything I do. I think I've begun to scrape the surface, but I really want to be able to sit down and define myself and say, "This is who I am, this is what I believe, this is where I'm coming from, and this is why I do these things." I know I can't expect anyone to truly understand me until I can do so myself, and I think that after I figure all that out, everything else--the grades, the boys, the job, everything--will fall into place. I've spent my whole life being random and undefinable and off-the-walls; it is time for me to settle down and know where I've been, so I can figure out where I am going.
It starts right here, with why I am not an atheist. This is one reason behind one belief that I have. It's all a part of who I am.
It seems to me that atheism would just be rather depressing. It essentially amounts to the following:
1) You are born
2) A lot of things happen, most of which are irrelevant
3) You die
4) Nothing happens
It's just that the thought of life as one long death-crawl to the decaying oblivion of the grave is so depressing for me. What reason is there to do good in life if there is no life after death? What reason is there to even continue living, since we're all doomed to the same fate eventually anyway? Why not just off yourself now and save the annoyance of being around for another fifty or sixty or seventy years? It's not as though you're going to regret that decision after you've made it; you'll be dead and unconcious and oblivious. There really doesn't even seem to be a point in trying to leave a legacy of any sort; the people who remember it will all eventually die themselves, and your memory with them. It all seems so bleak.
It's just human nature to want to continue in some form after our physical time on Earth is over. Some people want to continue existing as spirits or souls in whatever form of the afterlife in which they prefer to believe. These are the theists, the spiritual people, the religous. Some people want to exist as a memory, a legacy, a physical manifestation of what they once were, leaving behind a world better than the one into which they were born. These people are the conquerors, the inventors, the peacemakers. Some people want to exist in any way possible; they're not particular as to which one, so long as they can blindly and desperately continue to cling to some form of existence.
Personally, it honestly terrifies me to think that my conscious mind will cease to exist after (hopefully) 80 or 90-odd years of living, thinking, experiencing. I want eternity! I want to be able to reflect on all that I did during that near-century of doing! And I want to watch others. I want to watch them make the same mistakes I made, and maybe help them learn from them better than I did. That's what keeps me rooted in the belief of souls and ghosts and even Heaven. That desire to continue existing forever. I just don't understand how anyone could not want that. Of course, there are a lot of things in this world that I don't understand, and I do not mean to say that I have a low level of intellegence; there are just many things that seem nonsensical in general. Starting with myself.
I've been throwing around a few ideas for New Year's Resolutions in my head lately. Typically I follow the traditional route: lose weight, save money, find a boyfriend, get better grades, land that promotion, yada yada yada. Lately, I've been considering a different one. Something alone the lines of just figuring myself out. It seems simple enough, but I know it would require some deep analyses...deeper than I've ever been brave enough to go. But I want to know why I do what I do, about everything I do. I think I've begun to scrape the surface, but I really want to be able to sit down and define myself and say, "This is who I am, this is what I believe, this is where I'm coming from, and this is why I do these things." I know I can't expect anyone to truly understand me until I can do so myself, and I think that after I figure all that out, everything else--the grades, the boys, the job, everything--will fall into place. I've spent my whole life being random and undefinable and off-the-walls; it is time for me to settle down and know where I've been, so I can figure out where I am going.
It starts right here, with why I am not an atheist. This is one reason behind one belief that I have. It's all a part of who I am.
12.11.2007
This entertained the hell out of me.
http://www.nassauweekly.com/view_article.php?id=691
Granted, it might not make perfect sense if you haven't had a basic background in philosophy, but I think it's worded so that anyone can get it. I thought it was funny, but if the writer is trying to disprove solipism, he failed. The arguement needn't have ended at "aren't you saying that you don't believe in your own solipism?" The interviewee could have countered with "No, there exists a figment of my imagination, whom I call 'Mother', and it does not believe in my solipism."
But that's just splitting hairs. And being nerdy...not to mention being significantly less funny.
Still, it's a cute article.
Granted, it might not make perfect sense if you haven't had a basic background in philosophy, but I think it's worded so that anyone can get it. I thought it was funny, but if the writer is trying to disprove solipism, he failed. The arguement needn't have ended at "aren't you saying that you don't believe in your own solipism?" The interviewee could have countered with "No, there exists a figment of my imagination, whom I call 'Mother', and it does not believe in my solipism."
But that's just splitting hairs. And being nerdy...not to mention being significantly less funny.
Still, it's a cute article.
12.06.2007
Is it wrong to assume that you missed me?
Frankly, the problem with bad habits is that they're...well, they're habits. So no matter how stupid or hurtful they are, we keep doing them. Because it's easy to do, and hard to break. It's just following the path of least resistence.
Take, for example, a bad habit of mine. I mentioned it in the highly metaphorical post on November 9th. The habit I have of nearly dying from poison and always going back for more. I'm doing it again, I know I am. It's just in a different bottle. Maybe more than one bottle. I'm not worried about being destroyed by it; I know that no matter how much poison I consume, accidentally or intentionally, it can't kill me. That's just not how I work.
Time and time again, it comes back to habit, which leads to ease, which often leads to difficulty; ironically enough, the ends are in complete opposition with the means. Does it really make sense that we make things more difficult by taking the easy path? So why do we do it?
Take, for example, a bad habit of mine. I mentioned it in the highly metaphorical post on November 9th. The habit I have of nearly dying from poison and always going back for more. I'm doing it again, I know I am. It's just in a different bottle. Maybe more than one bottle. I'm not worried about being destroyed by it; I know that no matter how much poison I consume, accidentally or intentionally, it can't kill me. That's just not how I work.
Time and time again, it comes back to habit, which leads to ease, which often leads to difficulty; ironically enough, the ends are in complete opposition with the means. Does it really make sense that we make things more difficult by taking the easy path? So why do we do it?
12.05.2007
A quick epiphany
I think I have figured out more about myself this past week than in the last two years combined. Or maybe i just finally condensed and defined what I learned. I'm not sure.
I do know it helps to have a fresh, open mind off of which to bounce my thoughts.
Regardless...I'm moving forward.
I do know it helps to have a fresh, open mind off of which to bounce my thoughts.
Regardless...I'm moving forward.
12.03.2007
I have just noticed...
That I am extremely long-winded when I can't sleep.
Also, I use a very large number of similies, metaphors, and allusions in my writing. But that has nothing to do with insomnia.
Also, I use a very large number of similies, metaphors, and allusions in my writing. But that has nothing to do with insomnia.
My muse? Insomnia.
So apparently, sleeping literally all day results in a complete inability to sleep when when is actually supposed to. As a result, here I am at two a.m. (yet again), siphoning out the overactivity that is swirling around my head.
Tonight's topic: judgement.
We all judge people. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. We judge based on the opinions of those close to us, on rumor and hearsay, and sometimes, on personal interactions with the subject of our judgements. Most of these bases are completely biased in every aspect. So when we actually investigate our subjects, our judgements typically have to be reconfigured, making us feel like opinionated, asshole-ish bastards. We've all been there.
Take for example, a recent encounter of mine. I had heard stories of one young woman for months; I had never spoken to her or even officially met her, but I had a very solid--and very negative--opinion of her. I am ashamed to say that when my friend (and later, for a short while, my boyfriend) made fun of her, I joined in the laughter. Recently, she contacted me. I strive to be open-minded, and I still had a slight chip on my shoulder towards my now-ex (who also happened to be an ex of hers), so I spoke with her. And I can honestly say that my opinion of her has taken a complete one-eighty...not to mention the fact that my opinion of him has gone from jerk to liar and downright ass. I feel like a complete fool; this young woman hadn't even known of my existence until a few weeks ago, and I had been ridiculing and laughing at her for months. It is kind of pathetic. Safe to say: lesson learned.
Or what about another instance. This with a guy I had been on-and-off unofficially involved with since this summer. I naïvely took him to be one hundred percent genuine, no questions asked. But recent experiences with aforementioned ex-boyfriend have made me realize something: naïveté is neither becoming nor helpful. I am by no means accusing this guy of being anything other than genuine; for all I know, he really is (not that that simplifies my situation with him, but I digress). All I am saying is that one should not readily assume that everyone on Earth is as honest as they seem. Just because I am straightforward and honest and open does not mean that everyone else is; in fact, I am most likely in the minority in this case. A great many people who claim to be so are, ironically enough, lying. They merely pretend to be honest and straightforward in an attempt to appear idealistic and win the trust of others. Unfortunately, manipulation and a claim to be sincere often go hand in hand. Sad enough to say that these low-lifes actually ruin the concepts of "honesty", "sincerity", and "openness" for the people who actually are.
I can't help but wonder how many times a person must be manipulated and used before she finally closes herself off entirely. I have noticed over the past two years that I have become less trusting with each guy I become involved with. Two summers ago, it took me only two weeks to think that I was falling in love. This fall, it took me almost two months. I think I may be learning, however slowly.
What really impresses me about myself is my ability to remain at least partially removed from my current situation on an emotional level. I know that this will not work. I'm continuing to invest time in it only because I am a romantic, hopeful creature, who tends to hold on until the last curtain falls, the audience leaves, and the ushers start sweeping up the aisles. But the improvement is in the fact that I am not investing all of my time, or even a great deal of my emotion. I just don't feel like getting hurt again so soon.
The more I think about it, the more I realize what a bad combination I have when it comes to beliefs and the like. I am a hopeless romantic, mostly optimistic (but with just enough pessimism to keep me from always saying the glass is half full), a complete idealist, cynical at times but for the most part trusting and naïve, a dreamer, a wisher, a thinker. I'd like to say that I can be practical, but for the most part, any practical action of mine is usually caused by the advice of a friend who actually has both feet on the ground. With a combination like that, how can I expect to not be hurt, lied to, used? I practically have the words "I will believe anything you say, just sound like you mean it" tattooed across my face.
Maybe that will be my New Year's Resolution: find a better slogan.
Still not tired. Going to try to sleep anyway. If UPS has me working, I'll most likely go from 11-2:30 there, and 3-10:30 at Best Buy. God, how I love Christmas season...not. But that is a rant for another sleepless night...
Tonight's topic: judgement.
We all judge people. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. We judge based on the opinions of those close to us, on rumor and hearsay, and sometimes, on personal interactions with the subject of our judgements. Most of these bases are completely biased in every aspect. So when we actually investigate our subjects, our judgements typically have to be reconfigured, making us feel like opinionated, asshole-ish bastards. We've all been there.
Take for example, a recent encounter of mine. I had heard stories of one young woman for months; I had never spoken to her or even officially met her, but I had a very solid--and very negative--opinion of her. I am ashamed to say that when my friend (and later, for a short while, my boyfriend) made fun of her, I joined in the laughter. Recently, she contacted me. I strive to be open-minded, and I still had a slight chip on my shoulder towards my now-ex (who also happened to be an ex of hers), so I spoke with her. And I can honestly say that my opinion of her has taken a complete one-eighty...not to mention the fact that my opinion of him has gone from jerk to liar and downright ass. I feel like a complete fool; this young woman hadn't even known of my existence until a few weeks ago, and I had been ridiculing and laughing at her for months. It is kind of pathetic. Safe to say: lesson learned.
Or what about another instance. This with a guy I had been on-and-off unofficially involved with since this summer. I naïvely took him to be one hundred percent genuine, no questions asked. But recent experiences with aforementioned ex-boyfriend have made me realize something: naïveté is neither becoming nor helpful. I am by no means accusing this guy of being anything other than genuine; for all I know, he really is (not that that simplifies my situation with him, but I digress). All I am saying is that one should not readily assume that everyone on Earth is as honest as they seem. Just because I am straightforward and honest and open does not mean that everyone else is; in fact, I am most likely in the minority in this case. A great many people who claim to be so are, ironically enough, lying. They merely pretend to be honest and straightforward in an attempt to appear idealistic and win the trust of others. Unfortunately, manipulation and a claim to be sincere often go hand in hand. Sad enough to say that these low-lifes actually ruin the concepts of "honesty", "sincerity", and "openness" for the people who actually are.
I can't help but wonder how many times a person must be manipulated and used before she finally closes herself off entirely. I have noticed over the past two years that I have become less trusting with each guy I become involved with. Two summers ago, it took me only two weeks to think that I was falling in love. This fall, it took me almost two months. I think I may be learning, however slowly.
What really impresses me about myself is my ability to remain at least partially removed from my current situation on an emotional level. I know that this will not work. I'm continuing to invest time in it only because I am a romantic, hopeful creature, who tends to hold on until the last curtain falls, the audience leaves, and the ushers start sweeping up the aisles. But the improvement is in the fact that I am not investing all of my time, or even a great deal of my emotion. I just don't feel like getting hurt again so soon.
The more I think about it, the more I realize what a bad combination I have when it comes to beliefs and the like. I am a hopeless romantic, mostly optimistic (but with just enough pessimism to keep me from always saying the glass is half full), a complete idealist, cynical at times but for the most part trusting and naïve, a dreamer, a wisher, a thinker. I'd like to say that I can be practical, but for the most part, any practical action of mine is usually caused by the advice of a friend who actually has both feet on the ground. With a combination like that, how can I expect to not be hurt, lied to, used? I practically have the words "I will believe anything you say, just sound like you mean it" tattooed across my face.
Maybe that will be my New Year's Resolution: find a better slogan.
Still not tired. Going to try to sleep anyway. If UPS has me working, I'll most likely go from 11-2:30 there, and 3-10:30 at Best Buy. God, how I love Christmas season...not. But that is a rant for another sleepless night...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
