So last night, I couldn't sleep again. Between the stress from work and school, it just was not going to happen. And I got to thinking (which only exacerbated the problem, but what are you going to do?) about intimacy. I kept thinking about this habit I have of talking to people without looking straight at them. It is very rare that I make direct eye contact with anyone, and I can't help but wonder if everybody is this way, or if it's just another manifestation of my intense fear of commitment/closeness/being hurt (as a result of the first two). It's weird, because it's almost intentional. Fixing my gaze on a person's ear, or on some fascinating, imagined event in the distance. Does everyone do this? Am I subconciously trying to be that emotionally detached?
I've always been told that I overanalyze everything, and it's absolutely true. I can't help it. I get stuck in my head and I can't get out of it.
The thing is, it is getting to be about that time again. It's been...what, three weeks? Four? And I'm starting to feel that old familiar fidget. I can't recall a single instance where I didn't feel that anxiety, that restlessness. And to be honest, I can really only remember one time where I was fully able to overcome it. Am I just being silly? Immature?
Summer really can't come fast enough for me.
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1 comment:
don't think about it too much...i hardly ever look people in the eyes when I talk to them..every now and then I'll glace at their eyes to show that I'm listening and not just spacing out while they're talking.
really, i think it's all about nerves..I'm not much of a talker with people one on one (at all when it comes to speaking to large groups), it'll get to the point where my nerves build up and I start stammering my words and my voice will start shaking, because I feel a person is trying to hard to analyze my words when I'm speaking to them, so I begin to try too hard not to stumble on my words or say something wrong, stupid, etc. so if i can look past them or at something else, it'll come off as I'm looking at them, but I'm not, and therefore i wont get so nervous or think so hard about what's coming out of my mouth.
I dunno, I doubt it's all about commitment, though it might play some part in it. Commitment is a troubling thing for a lot of people who aren't already committed to someone, something, etc.
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