Deja vu, only different

I always say it. This time it's different. And to a certain degree, it always is. Different people, different times, different situations. The details change. Only the outcome remains the same. But this time...this time, I don't want to let that happen. Things are different, because I'm making them different. I'm not going to make the same mistakes, fall into the same patterns. I know I'm not doing it, because this is so much harder than everything else ever was. I'm fighting my instincts, because when have my instincts ever helped me? Pretty much never. Or at least, not since I was about sixteen years old. I wasn't the same person as who I am today.

The thing is, B. is on his way here now. He lives back home...a good three to three and a half hour drive from school. In a year and a half at college, not one person from back home has visted me. Not my best friend...not my sisters...no one. Just my parents last year when I needed a ride home and didn't have a car. It's not that nobody wants to; they all tell me how much they wish they could be here. It's just such an annoying drive.

So B. probably won't be here until around 3ish...maybe a little earlier. And he'll probably leave around 3ish tomorrow, when I have to go in to work. So he's driving 6-8 hours, to hang out with me for about 12...most of which will be spent sleeping. Does anyone have any idea how flattering that is for me? That's effort. That's the kind of effort that only one other guy in my life has ever shown me.

I'm not going to pretend that this means happily ever after. Hell, I'm not that stupid. Not anymore. But this is a good first step. Maybe we'll start dating. Maybe we won't. But this is a good start.

The thing is, I don't really want a relationship; that is, I'm not out looking for one anymore. If it happens, it happens. I just want some sort of stability in my life. If I'm single, then fine; I'll stay single for a few years and be stable in that I can do what I want. If I'm in a relationship, then that's fine too, but I want it to be a relatively longer-term thing. I don't want to start a relationship and end it in less than three months. I don't want to keep doing what I've been doing for the past two or three years. I'm sick of that.

I think the old adage about "slow and steady wins the race" deserves more credit than what I've been giving it. God knows that I've only lost by going fast.