Talk about surreal. I almost expect to wake up in a moment to realize that this whole week was just a dream. I'm still reeling from Wednesday, and then Thursday night, and Friday night, and now here it is Saturday and I can't help but wonder what other mindfuck will hit me next.
On Wednesday, B. was here. For propriety's sake, I'll only say this: I am immensely proud of my self-control. I really want to try to make things right for once. And I'm doing better than usual.
Thursday. Oh, dear Lord, Thursday. A bunch of girls from the market decided to go to one of the bars uptown, and I figure, why not...I don't have class till 1 on Friday, and I have nothing better to do. So we all met up at J.'s house and eventually hit up the club. Just outside the door I got a strange sense of apprehension. I knew M.'s band played there on occasion. But what were the odds, right? It was like something out of a movie. I walk up to the door, and there it is: splashed in garish neon paint, the name of his band, and the words LIVE! TONIGHT! screaming at me. Naturally, I panicked. I mean, I knew I would have had to see him evenutally; the campus is only so big. But it took me completely by surprise. What was even more surprising was how everything went down. I always half-wondered what would happen when we finally did run into each other again. What happened was, I pretended I couldn't see him all night, that the person singing some of my favorite songs on stage was just a bodiless voice, until the band stopped playing and the lights came on. None of the girls wanted to stop dancing, so after a few minutes, the only people left were us and the band. And then it happened. He looked dead at me. Caught me with those stupid, stupid blue eyes. And I couldn't pretend I didn't see him. So I slurred hello, how've you been, what's new? He was polite. And that was it.
But now...
No. Absolutely not. M. got me the way he did because of his skill at manipulation. Not because of any genuine affection...it was just an act. I know this. So why is this driving me mad?
Friday was just strange because my sister came and visted me. And she met a lot of my friends. It was odd...like dreaming about something and then seeing it in real life. Two worlds that were never supposed to mingle suddenly collided. It was kind of like that with B., but more so with my sister because she's always been such a big part of my life.
I feel almost as though I'm in the middle of a tornado that's just whirling around me, careening out of control, and I can do nothing but watch. All these things just keep happening to me, and I can hardly even be a part of it. I'm just along for the ride.
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