My muse? Insomnia.

So apparently, sleeping literally all day results in a complete inability to sleep when when is actually supposed to. As a result, here I am at two a.m. (yet again), siphoning out the overactivity that is swirling around my head.

Tonight's topic: judgement.

We all judge people. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. We judge based on the opinions of those close to us, on rumor and hearsay, and sometimes, on personal interactions with the subject of our judgements. Most of these bases are completely biased in every aspect. So when we actually investigate our subjects, our judgements typically have to be reconfigured, making us feel like opinionated, asshole-ish bastards. We've all been there.

Take for example, a recent encounter of mine. I had heard stories of one young woman for months; I had never spoken to her or even officially met her, but I had a very solid--and very negative--opinion of her. I am ashamed to say that when my friend (and later, for a short while, my boyfriend) made fun of her, I joined in the laughter. Recently, she contacted me. I strive to be open-minded, and I still had a slight chip on my shoulder towards my now-ex (who also happened to be an ex of hers), so I spoke with her. And I can honestly say that my opinion of her has taken a complete one-eighty...not to mention the fact that my opinion of him has gone from jerk to liar and downright ass. I feel like a complete fool; this young woman hadn't even known of my existence until a few weeks ago, and I had been ridiculing and laughing at her for months. It is kind of pathetic. Safe to say: lesson learned.

Or what about another instance. This with a guy I had been on-and-off unofficially involved with since this summer. I naïvely took him to be one hundred percent genuine, no questions asked. But recent experiences with aforementioned ex-boyfriend have made me realize something: naïveté is neither becoming nor helpful. I am by no means accusing this guy of being anything other than genuine; for all I know, he really is (not that that simplifies my situation with him, but I digress). All I am saying is that one should not readily assume that everyone on Earth is as honest as they seem. Just because I am straightforward and honest and open does not mean that everyone else is; in fact, I am most likely in the minority in this case. A great many people who claim to be so are, ironically enough, lying. They merely pretend to be honest and straightforward in an attempt to appear idealistic and win the trust of others. Unfortunately, manipulation and a claim to be sincere often go hand in hand. Sad enough to say that these low-lifes actually ruin the concepts of "honesty", "sincerity", and "openness" for the people who actually are.

I can't help but wonder how many times a person must be manipulated and used before she finally closes herself off entirely. I have noticed over the past two years that I have become less trusting with each guy I become involved with. Two summers ago, it took me only two weeks to think that I was falling in love. This fall, it took me almost two months. I think I may be learning, however slowly.

What really impresses me about myself is my ability to remain at least partially removed from my current situation on an emotional level. I know that this will not work. I'm continuing to invest time in it only because I am a romantic, hopeful creature, who tends to hold on until the last curtain falls, the audience leaves, and the ushers start sweeping up the aisles. But the improvement is in the fact that I am not investing all of my time, or even a great deal of my emotion. I just don't feel like getting hurt again so soon.

The more I think about it, the more I realize what a bad combination I have when it comes to beliefs and the like. I am a hopeless romantic, mostly optimistic (but with just enough pessimism to keep me from always saying the glass is half full), a complete idealist, cynical at times but for the most part trusting and naïve, a dreamer, a wisher, a thinker. I'd like to say that I can be practical, but for the most part, any practical action of mine is usually caused by the advice of a friend who actually has both feet on the ground. With a combination like that, how can I expect to not be hurt, lied to, used? I practically have the words "I will believe anything you say, just sound like you mean it" tattooed across my face.

Maybe that will be my New Year's Resolution: find a better slogan.


Still not tired. Going to try to sleep anyway. If UPS has me working, I'll most likely go from 11-2:30 there, and 3-10:30 at Best Buy. God, how I love Christmas season...not. But that is a rant for another sleepless night...