Nothing messes with your head more than psychology

Before I went to bed last night, I read a chapter in my psych book about sleep and dreaming. And dream theories, as in, what purpose dreams serve. Now, I've always been one to have really weird, random, and messed up dreams. But last night may just take the cake, and I think that chapter is to blame.

I dreamt that my boyfriend from high school proposed to me. Mind you, this guy and I broke up my senior year in high school. We're on really good terms now, but we rarely talk because we're both so busy. So anyway, he came to visit me. And he asked me to marry him. He gave me the ugliest ring ever, and I said yes. The next day I told him that I had a boyfriend (which in real life, I do), and a "man-on-the-side" who was another ex of mine (in real life, the person really is another ex, but there is DEFINITELY no side action going on...ick). And I was suprised when my "fiancé" was mad about it. Because I told him I was dumping the other two and I loved only him. The weird thing is, even in the dream I knew that I was lying. I think my dream-self was afraid that no one would ever ask, so I'd have to take what I could get.

And I think that's my underlying problem. I have this mentality where I feel like I never have options, I have to just take what I can get because I'm not good enough for anything else. Which is slightly preposterous. Everyone has choices. Even me, even as I type this, I have a choice. And I'm sticking to my guns.

I guess that's the scary thing about commitment for people like me, people who have been hurt too many times in the past. Commitment means giving another person the opportunity to hurt you again. But I was rereading one of my favorite books the other night (High Fidelity by Nick Hornby, for anyone who cares...great book) and there were a couple lines that stuck out in my mind.

"You run the risk of losing anyone who is worth spending time with...If you're going to go in for this stuff at all, you have to live with the possibility that it won't work out". And as always, the book sums up my current issue perfectly. Thank you, contemporary English lit.