Funny how so much can change in just three months.
December 30th, 2007. I was packing everything up in this very room, dying to get back to school. Practically counting down the hours till I'd be back.
March 30th, 2008. Here I sit, my belongings strewn carelessly about the room, various articles of clothing flung haphazardly into my giant duffle. I don't want to leave.
It's stupid. I know it is. It's my insecurities that are causing this hesitation. I just can't let them go. I don't think I ever will.
I was talking to my parents today. About my views on life, and my current belief that I'm not afraid that I'll never get married, but rather, that one day I will. My dad rolled his eyes at me.
"Do you know what your problem is?"
"I'm insecure, I'm obsessive, I'm neurotic..."
"No. You think too much."
BAM. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, E.'s inner monologue has effectively been deemed "unnecessary."
There's so much more I could probably say. I'm just not sure how.
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3 comments:
do you disagree?
your last blog was one about how small we really are. you do think too much, if your blog is anything to go by. you attach significance to things that don't matter and seem to worry about everything that has to do with you. i'm not sure why you'd juxtapose those two things. it's like you can't get away from thinking about yourself.
but then it's not like you're self-obsessed. it's more like you're self-concerned. afraid of attaining because you fear loss. but why would you, if everything is so insignificant?
not quite egocentrism, but almost.
i'm not trying to preach, and maybe you shouldn't take any advice at all from a new age retro hippie.
anon:
we can only ascribe value to what we know. otherwise, we're assuming. it's impossible to not be egocentric.
when we think about the lives of others, we are thinking about them in terms of ourselves. there is no good or bad or right or wrong. it's just opinion.
in my opinion, it's not a bad thing to think too much. what matters is what you're thinking about. i believe with a mind like yours there are a million better things you could be pondering.
- anon
I posted that last link because it interested me. Yes, it does contradict most of what I write about, but I think it isn't a bad kind of dissonance.
If you care to go back to January, I wrote about egocentrism and being self-centered. I realize that I do come off as self-absorbed when I write, but I write shallowly. I write what's in my head at the moment, no thought, no planning. It just spills out as fast as my fingers can move across the keyboard. I like to think that with a little extra forethought, I could write about something that people would like to read. I just don't ever seem to have time for that sort of thing.
I'm 19. Being self-centered is a vice allowed to me and my peers. And I'm not offended by anyone who tells me that I'm egocentric. And, like the second commentor said, we can only ascribe value to what we know. What we don't know may as well not exist, as far as the individual is concerned.
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