Is it everything you dreamed that it would be?

Sometimes I wish I had more down time.

Then I remember days like Monday. I had the flu, so I called off work and skipped classes, and just laid in bed all day. And I was miserable, even after I started feeling better. I got so depressed and mopey. I wonder if that's a problem...that not even I can stand to be with me for several hours. Or is everybody like that? Does everyone drive themselves crazy sometimes? Is it ridiculous that I can't stand to be unoccupied for more than a few minutes at a time?

It's streseful as hell, what I do. Most days I go from 9 am to 9 pm with little to no breaks. Some days I go all the way until 11 until I actually get home. And I always have several hours of homework after I do finally make it back to the room. It's kind of ridiculous, really, the amount of time I spend doing things. Everyone talks about how they just have to have that midafternoon nap, and it really makes me want to laugh. Or hit them. The only time I ever get to sleep is at night and when I'm too sick for class and/or work. The really sick thing is, I kind of like it that way. My suitemates are on the other side of this wall, dead asleep, and here it is 11:11 am and my morning isn't even over yet.

The fact is, I'm far too afraid of missing anything. Last night, B. and I were playing this silly "truth-or-dare" type game, only it was all truths (a kind of get-to-know-you thing, it was incredibly corny but somehow slightly adorable), and he asked me what my worst fear is. I'll admit, I fibbed a little, but only because the real answer was far too long to detail, in the context of the game. I told him spiders adn being alone forever, which is the gist of the issue. But it's more than just being alone forever. I'm so afraid of time; namely, that I won't have enough of it to live the way I want to live and do the things I want to do. I'm afraid I'll never fall in love again. I'm afraid I'll never have a family, or the kind of career I've aspired to since I was a child. I'm afraid of seeing and doing and hearing and feeling too little. I have panic attacks over things like this. There are times when I realize that we only get one life, one chance, and mine is almost one-fourth over. What have I done with it so far?

But that's irrational. I've done a lot of things. I dare to say that I have even made a substantial impact on more than one life. That's what is important to me; that is what matters. If I can get that much done, I feel somehow that the rest will fall into place.

So you can see why I wouldn't want to admit all that so blatantly. I am an open person, but I don't want to seem crazy. At least with this there is the slightest degree of separation, of anonymity, to protect me.

God, I have missed being able to write like this.