I'm too frustrated to think of a title.

Well, here I am again. It is officially two forty-seven am. I am wide awake. I have been making ever more futile attempts at falling asleep for almost two hours now. Typically I lull myself to sleep in the stupidest way; I play out scenarios and stories in my head. I daydream until I fall asleep. I'm not sure why I do it; maybe I think that it makes the transition to real dreaming easier. But tonight it's not working.

No matter what I do, I can't stop thinking about stupid things that make my heart pound and my adrenaline rush. Like M. and how mad I still am at him for what he did to me. Or B. and how much I like him. The latter worries me more so than the former, mainly because I don't want to give him that opening. Again. Yes, I have a tough exterior. But it is incredibly thin. And I don't know how to fix that.

I think I'm hiding behind this newfound mentality of mine. I see how well it works for Mims and I put myself in that mind frame so it will work for me. But I can't help but wonder if I really think like that now, or if I'm just pretending. Most of me thinks that I really do want the things I say I want. That I really am just looking for a good time, that I don't want to tie myself down. I think that's the biggest part of me that changed after M. messed me up. But a tiny tiny bit of the old me is still there. And that tiny little bit is starting to nibble at the foundations of the new me. And you know something? That really fucking pisses me off.

Another thing that's bothering me is the fact that I'm pretty sure someone is going to get mad at me this weekend. I'm almost positive that someone or other will accuse me of blowing him or her off when I go home. But in all honesty, I can't help the fact that I'm a complete social butterfly. That I'm so close to so many different people.

What bothers me even more than that is the fact that I'm not close to the people I once was. I'm not going to take all of the blame for this; keeping in touch is a two-way street, and I have yet to recieve a phone call from anyone about whom I am speaking right now. The fact is, we're all still so self-centered (as I detailed in my previous blog). We're too wrapped up in our own little lives to worry about what's going on with friends who are four hours away from us. It's Asheboro all over again. Only it's different, because the ties are closer and the girls are--forgive me Amherstonians, I say this with all the affection in the world, I swear--somewhat cattier. That's just the way it is. And I guess my priorities are completely skewed as well. I'm not going to pretend that I am not selfish or catty, because really I am very much so sometimes. Not always. But sometimes. My motives for visiting home are entirely selfish. I'll admit that right now. I really just want to see how this whole B. situation pans out.

Not that I'm looking for or expecting any kind of commitment from him. I think I'd be a little disappointed if I got it. I mean, it really doesn't get much more impractical than that. The fact of the matter is, I have no time, energy, or patience to sustain a real relationship, so I'm not looking for one. If anything even remotely resembling a relationship were to start taking shape in my life, it would be a low-effort, long-distance type thing. Oh...look what we have here. Oops.

I'm rambling. My apologies. I'm just frustrated because I really want to sleep; I just got over a monster of a cold/sinus infection and I am desperate to stay healthy. My grades and my job can't afford for me to be sick again.

A yawn. That's a good sign. I should read my econ book until I actually fall asleep. Or maybe I'll just go read random blogs online instead.

I have a real problem with procrastination sometimes.