Unresolved

I decided not to make a true New Year's Resolution this year. I think it's honestly a big waste of time. There's a reason why we are all resolving to do these things; they're our vices, and we want to change them. But there's a reason why we have seen eighteen, twenty-one, forty-three new years without changing these things about ourselves. We can't. Most of the time, it's a part of us that makes us who we are. So go on, you hopeful masses. Tell yourself that you'll lose the weight, that you'll quit smoking, that you'll stop being so slutty and you'll go to class. I'm not being cynical, I'm being honest: it won't happen.

Once again I find myself in late-night contemplations of change. My graduation picture is sitting on my desk beside my computer. My parents are standing on either side of me in my cap and gown, with a caption below that reads "Class of 2006". I can't help but feel that I've lost more than just time since then. I was so innocent and romantic then. And now I'm older and colder and just... more realistic. And I think I preferred it when I romanticized everything, even if it did mean more disappointment. I remember throwing my hat in the air and picking up my diploma and feeling like I was holding the entire world in my hands. Like I had so much potential. And now I just feel like a neverending struggle to attain all that I thought would come naturally. I can't help but wonder if I'm the only person whose perspective changed that much.

At the beginning of every quarter, I tell myself that I won't have time for relationships. That I won't go looking for one, or even let one happen, because I know it won't work. Because deep down, I don't really want one at all. And every quarter I find myself with a new flavor of the week. Only this time it's a little different. This time there's a little bit of a history...a year at least, as compared to the previous record of a few months, or the runner-up of a few weeks. The ironic thing is that this is even less viable than any previous chance due to the distance issue, not to mention the emotional retardation from which we both suffer. And yet...it seems different.

On the other hand, it always seems different. And that's why I always go back on my word.

At least I'm not trying to convince myself that I'll change.